So, i am going to try something, i am going to write without looking at the words on the page too often. i cannot focus on the printed word for very long without secondary issues from my diagnosis hitting hard. 25 days ago, my life changed. I got to work with a migraine, something i have done before, and i was smacked with the worst pain I have ever experienced.

I had my first thunderclap migraine and it sounds as bad as it was. I decided to leave work (none of my coworkers had arrived yet) and drive home, but before getting very far, i know i needed help. So, instead of pulling over, i drove myself to the ER. there is where it gets really foggy. Later on, my family told me that the ER reported I had a stroke. They sent me down to Northwestern ICU, with a diagnosed brain bleed for sure.

I do not remember a whole lot from those first days in the ICU. snippets. Small memories. Daniel and Joshua coming to see me the first day. I remember just the trauma of not sleeping, so much pain and so many people, doctors, nurses, therapists. I remember the doctors i work for and hope to again calling many times. Grace grace me strength. Psalm 23 kept rolling through my brain. In the dark moments of test after test, The unknown.

I remember when they graduated me from the ICU and moved me to a quieter room 2 days after. i remember them coming to me after a week to report I could leave. We just needed to do one more test. i remember them coming quickly back after the test to tell me, i had had another brain bleed. I was moving rooms again. It was my beautiful room, a corner room, and where we began to talk about my diagnosis. My prognosis.

The balm of community. My family. Friends texting. Friends messaging. Gifts beyond my understanding.

yet, in that quiet, i will be honest with you and say, i thought very seriously about my mortality. I had times of great fear. I also had times of great peace. A playlist was made of music of friends and family sharing. i kept taking breaths. I am slowly, still, learning, one day at a time.

that’s all I have for now. I will hopefully be able to pick this up again soon. i want to remember God’s faithfulness.