Psalm 109

Not sure how to start this, so i will just start typing and see how I get there. Trusting the Spirit to lead and to guide. I follow many people who have chronic pain, they provide suggestions, community, and language for a diagnosis that is hard to pinpoint. Fibromyalgia.

A way these accounts help me is understanding. There are so many people out there with pain. Reading their stories of interactions with the medical community helps to quiet my fear. I have had some interactions with doctors lately that have been demoralizing.

When I am with a doctor they want to know exactly, pinpoint, diagnose. Pain in my body is not an exact science. I was thinking about this overnight as I make another appointment tomorrow. Pain in my joints, migraines, back, neck how do I encapsulate my experience of these last few years.

I end up sounding as if I want medications.

If i could say to a doctor and have them hear me…

Here’s the other part. Every time I have an appointment, my hope rises. I can see the conversation to come. How I want it to go, how I want to verbalize…and then the doctor breezes in, plan in hand and does not listen, but prescribes.

This is nagging at the back of my mind, so i will say it. I equate a successful visit to a doctor with a plan in hand. I don’t think that is wrong of me, we both come in knowing what we want. We both leave with entirely different opinions of how that went. I want answers. Doctors have prescriptions.

There is a whisper that nags at me. God isn’t answering. He is silent. I need distance. Today, as I pondered, I realize that God has not moved, I have. I am looking at my circumstances and not remembering how God is moving even now. Even in the perceived silence, God is still providing. Yet, in the morning and throughout the day, my choices reflect a wall I have erected.

I can tell in many different ways that I have done this. My irritation level and fears are way up. I haven’t been memorizing, tho my phone alerts me that I am behind on my work here. It began with believing the lie that God is silent. And I kept turning.

Here’s what I forget in the myriad of visits, my hope of deliverance will not be found in a doctor. He/she may find why this is happening, the root, but my confidence is not found within a man or woman who has the title of doctor. This is real time. I know the truth, but I have allowed discouragement trump the truth.

I really don’t like admitting all this, but I needed to have this conversation with myself and honestly, with the Lord. I’ve been reading my Bible, I’ve been praying, yet, I know my heart and the Lord knows it better. I do not want this any longer. I need my mind to refocus on the truth.

So, strangely enough, through this drought, I have been studying the Messianic prophecies found in the Psalms. I have moved through this, knowing many of the quotes, my heart stirs, the wall starts to come down and then I stop reading and turn towards my day.

I want today to be different.

“God of my praise, do not be silent.” Psalm 109:1a HCSB

Begin with worship. Begin with thanksgiving. Verses 2-5 are a Messianic prophecy. “In return for my love, they accuse me..”Psalm 109:4a HCSB I know this is of Judas, but I am hit by these words. In return of God’s faithful love for me, I know I have accused the Lord and believed the lie. And find myself here. So, I accept the Lord’s forgiveness.

Psalm 109:6-20 is an imprecatory Psalm. His prayer is strong against his foes. At least 20 times, the word “let” precedes his prayer for justice against his enemies.

Then, we have verse 20, but. “But you, LORD, my Lord, deal kindly with me for your name’s sake; because your faithful love is good, rescue me.” Psalm 109:21 HCSB This is today’s movement in my heart. My prayer today. Deal kindly, LORD, my Lord. I don’t have to understand why this prayer is silent. I remember today his faithful love is good.

“For I am suffering and needy; my heart is wounded within me.”Psalm 109:22 HCSB I don’t know what step to take next. Rather than look this way or that, stillness. God knows my heart. I am weary.

“Help me, LORD my God; save me according to your faithful love so they may know that this is your hand and that you, LORD, have done it.” Psalm 109:26-27 HCSB

“I will fervently thank the LORD with my mouth; I will praise him in the presence of many. For he stands at the right hand of the needy to save him from those who would condemn him.” Psalm 109:30-31 HCSB

I will choose to be thankful. I will choose to praise. Thank you for standing with the needy. Thank you for saving us. I don’t know how to end this post, for there are no changes to my circumstances, but there are changes to my heart.