Putting words together

When I have so much in my mind, I find it hard to articulate my thoughts. There is so much that I am think about upon, how do I explain. After the sermon yesterday, I tried to form my thoughts and express my gratitude to the speaker. Didn’t really happen, but by God’s grace, between my husband and the gentleman, we figured it out. I know the Lord is speaking here, through His word. I need to be careful here, it is through his word, not through an audible voice of words made up by me.

Yesterday morning, about four am, I awoke, fitful and fearful. I think I have testified to times in the MRI tube and preaching the word to myself. So last summer with hours spent in the tube, I would recite the Psalms over and over to myself, especially Psalm 23. And all of a sudden last night, I hit upon verse three:

He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Psalm 23:3 NASB 1995

And immediately I remembered, present time, the verses in Matthew 5.

““Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. “Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.”
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Matthew 5:6, 10, 20 NASB1995

God is the one who guides me. He was guiding me in the early hours of my Sunday morning when fear was trampling my heart. And so I began to trace from my memory verses I am studying. It started changing things in my mind. So, after some coffee, I began my study in paper and in concordances and dictionaries.

The question was posed in my Bible study: “What individuals and/or nations worried? how did they behave? What resulted?” Pam Gillaspie, No Worries, pg. 13

I thought of Abram, so many stories of him. There is the story of Abram lying to King and also Pharaoh (this scenario didn’t happen just once, but twice) in Genesis 12 and 20 about his wife. I’m grateful we have the imperfect and as well as the evidence of God’s faithfulness throughout it all, because those two stories highlight his worry. His panic. His lack of trust in the faithfulness of God. In chapter 15, God comes to him and says:

“After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, “Do not fear, Abram, I am a shield to you; Your reward shall be very great.””
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭15‬:‭1‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/100/gen.15.1.NASB1995

This leads me to believe that Abram was afraid. God comes to him and assures him. Relieves him and makes him a promise. A promise of an heir that will come from his own body. And here is what has been ringing in my heart:

“Then he believed in the Lord; and He reckoned it to him as righteousness.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭15‬:‭6‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/100/gen.15.6.NASB1995

Abram believed God at his word and God credited it to him as righteousness.

An example from my own life right now, cars. We are always having car ridiculousness. Whether it is from broken down cars, accidents, needing more cars, you name it. This has also become a great fear of mine. Seriously. Over the years, I could tell you story after story of accidents, mistakes on cars buying, etc. It’s been a source of great terror for me.

We need to purchase more cars. And honestly, we are scared. We don’t want to make the wrong decision. Go to the wrong place. Etc. Now, here is where the rubber hits the road for me in what I am learning in the word of God.

What is righteousness? “The way of thinking, feeling, acting that is wholly conformed to the will of God and needs no remedy in love or life, only Christ.” Dikaios

I have thought on this so much this week. Listen, I cannot toot my own horn and say I’ve figured it out. I’m in the trenches with this. My pain has been through the roof this week. i know my body is expressing what my mind cannot. Fear and worry is in a low hum.

As I look around my little house, I am reminded of another story that I never thought would happen again. We own our own home. God opened and shoved us through the door to owning our home. (Literally.) I sit here in my little dining room and I can look into my kitchen, living room and out the windows. i am reminded, God’s timing, his will is the perfect will. Even how we found this house is just God’s perfect timing. Truly.

Abraham believed God. I believe that God can reveal his will. I believe God can carry me through pain. I believe God is writing a story with an ending better than any I can imagine. I believe God.

I think so often of the story in, hang on, let me find it..

“After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” Jesus answered them, “Did I not choose you, the twelve? And yet one of you is a devil.” He spoke of Judas the son of Simon Iscariot, for he, one of the twelve, was going to betray him.”
‭‭John‬ ‭6‬:‭66‬-‭71‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/59/jhn.6.66-71.ESV

I think of this story because this story amplifies to me the heart of Christ. And Peter’s words here. Where shall we go? I echo these words now. Where else would I go? In you, Jesus, I have life. I believe. I know. I stay. Also, the betrayal of Judas would hit him very hard. I forget that. It becomes just part of the the rhetoric. Judas betrayed, on top of all his disciples left him for a time, except the women. I sit with his words, do you want to go away as well?

Today, I declare to my Savior. I have nowhere else to go. You have life. I chose to stop, keep filling my mind with your words, remember your goodness.