Recall

So, one aspect of my hospitalization that has created a new phobia for me, was the repeated brain MRIs, with and without contrast. I think over an hour, but it felt longer. The first one was the night I arrived downtown. I had a panic attack while in the tube and fear overwhelmed me. I still can find my way back to those feelings, smells and sights. I remember the pain.

Subsequent MRIs found me very sedated, still fearful, but with techs that understood my situation. Ear plugs, loud musics, frequent communication makes Cara happy.

Well, this past week, I needed another MRI. I actually kept putting it off. I didn’t schedule it for a long time. Then I rescheduled it. And finally, I really had no excuse.

Let me back up for a moment. On the Monday of this past week, I was challenged to memorize the Sermon of the Mount over the summer. Being a touch competitive, I decided to take it. Little did i know how much I would need this in the days to come.

I spend about a half over every day working on this, I’m not perfect in remembering or anything. I’m only 11 verses in. Yet, any time my brain starts to wander, I am training myself to think on these verses. Remember the structure. Remember the order. In the middle of the night, instead of jumping on my phone, I rehearse what i know. Over and zzzzzz….

So, I come to my MRI, super nervous, take my anti anxiety pill, tech puts headphones on and the music is loud. he leaves and somehow unplugs the music and over the speakers he asks if I am okay, I try to communicate and it is obvious, he can’t hear me. And it begins.

And friends, hand to God, I close my eyes, and begin praying for all my people. And then, I review my verses. I keep getting stuck on this one verse. So, I reason it out. Think through.

And it is done. Granted it was twenty minutes. Yet, I know, I know that I am changed. It is nothing I have done in and of myself. No, no. I see how bereft I am. I see my absolute need for Jesus. I knew I could never have made that tube time without Him. Never.

Here’s the thing that amazes me. I don’t deserve it. I can name for you all the times I’ve failed Him. Come up short. And yet, His grace is enough. His mercy is sufficient. And He show me how He answers prayers in His timing. In His way.

In memorizing the first 13 verses of chapter five of Matthew, I am reminded that I often am looking for God to answer in places where He is saying not yet. And He IS answering in places every day that I am not noticing.

For instance, in my eyes, we have some glaring needs. GLARING. And yet, that isn’t being answered. But, like what I have shared, I am not who I was even six months ago, only by the blood of Jesus. Or, every month we have just enough. We make it. no amount of worrying on my part makes a BIT of difference. He is the difference.

Replacing my worry with Scripture. This isn’t a bandaid. This is life changing surgery on my brain. I have no other way to explain what has been happening to my worry. I would also be one to say, I can’t really memorize. And I’ll also be honest and say, I drop a few words here and there, BUT I get most right.

And I know this. That woman in the MRI tube last Thursday made it not because of anything she did in her power. Jesus’ teaching filled my mind. And fills my mind today.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.